From CH Staff on
The A&E reality series visits Tamriel and discovers the only thing more dangerous than dragons, is yourself.
By Emily Axford
NOTE: This is a parody of the TV show "Hoarders." "Hoarders" Title card with dramatic music. CUT TO: Glarthir, an Elf, outside of his Breezehome. GLARTHIR (VO) (kind of shy and ashamed) My name is Glarthir. I'm a thief of the Bosmer race. Cut to: Glarthir in front of a black backdrop. His name appears in the lefthand corner in white print. GLARTHIR I'm also a Thane of Whiterun. CUT TO: POV shots inside a Breezehome, items kicked about and tossed on the floor. Title card: "The city of Whiterun has threatened to evict Glarthir." Cut to: YGGDRASIL, a Nord, standing outside Breezehome. His name appears in the lefthand corner in white print. YGGDRASIL I'm a Warrior Nord, and I’m gonna help Glarthir clean up his act and hopefully keep Breezehome. Cut to: INT. SKYRIM BREEZEHOME A third person shot of Yggdrasil, walking through Glarthir's Breezehome. Yggdrasil looks around. The place is a mess. YGGDRASIL Oh, wow. This is... a lot of stuff. GLARTHIR Uh, loot. It's actually loot. YGGDRASIL Where do you get it all? GLARTHIR (OC) (quietly, a bit ashamed) I stripsearch a lot of dead bodies. Title card: "Lydia, Glarthir's housecarl, has given him an ultimatum..." DISSOLVE TO: "Clean up, or she's leaving." LYDIA (tearfully, black backdrop) I mean, I am his sword and shield, but I can't live in filth anymore. Cut to: Breezehome. Yggdrasil is walking around. Yggdrasil sees a pile of Dragon bones. YGGDRASIL Why do you need so many dragon bones? GLARTHIR (OC) Oh, you know, so I can make armor. YGGDRASIL You're a blacksmith? GLARTHIR (OC) ...No. Cut to: Yggdrasil is going through a ton of books. YGGDRASIL Surviving a Horker Attack Vol. 2...The Book of the Dragonborn?? GLARTHIR (OC) Uh, definitely gonna read that soon. Something about dragons and some covenant they made. So... YGGDRASIL The Lusty Argonian Maid? Glarthir is embarrassed. Lydia is annoyed. Title card: "While going through a pile of arrows and bows, Yggdrasil makes a horrifying discovery" YGGDRASIL (pointing to a pile of feces) It's just a pile of feces. GLARTHIR Good for potions. But yeah, I guess that's gross. Cut to: Kitchen, going through piles of rotting food. YGGDRASIL This clam meat needs to be refrigerated. What are you even going to do with all this cabbage? GLARTHIR (OC) Fine. Cut to: Glarthir in third person mode. Glarthir starts reaching at items unsuccessfully. GLARTHIR (clearly lying) Sorry its just like a little bit harder to pick up stuff cause I'm in third person mode. Yah, so... Title card: "Lydia's presence sends Glarthir into an obsessive spiral." Cut to: Upstairs, the master bedroom is filled with garbage and weapons. Lydia is throwing out a bunch of weapons. GLARTHIR (freaking out, to Lydia) What are you doing?? I need these in case I ever want to dual-wield. Title card: "Yggdrasil challenges Glarthir to dig deeper." Cut to: Yggdrasil looking directly at the camera (Glarthir). YGGDRASIL I need you to work with me. Hesitant pause. The inventory screen comes up and starts to scroll through his stuff. GLARTHIR (OC) (getting panicky) Ummm, let's see, let's see... (pausing on iron ore) ...need to hang onto this in case I find the transmute spell... (pausing on jewelry) ...gotta save these cause I'm gonna enchant them. As soon as I increase my enchanting skill. (pausing on moldy pile of National Geographic Magazines) These are gonna be pretty valuable someday... I guess I could drop... uh... erm... this! A wooden bowl is selected and dropped. A beat. It is picked back up. LYDIA I have a bad feeling about this. The inventory screen goes away. GLARTHIR (OC) Excuse me? I'm a fucking Thane of Whiterun. We see two hands appear in the screen, aimed at Lydia. Title card: "Yggdrasil takes Lydia aside to talk about Glarthir" LYDIA (tearfully) I guess I just didn't know what I was getting into when he came and forced me into his service. YGGDRASIL He needs you right now, Lydia. LYDIA Well, I am sworn to carry his burden. Title card: "The city health inspector has arrived to inspect Breezehome and decide if it's fit for occupancy." The City Health Inspector enters Breezehome. It's a bit cleaner. CITY HEALTH INSPECTOR (looking around) You know, I used to be an adventurer like you, but then I took... Everyone groans and mumbles, thinking he's going to say "an arrow to the knee." CITY HEALTH INSPECTOR (loud, over their grumbling) ...a night class in public health. I took a night class in public health. Geez. END.