Hardly Working: Fire Warden

By

Brian Murphy & Owen Parsons

          INT. OFFICE

          THE GANG works at their desks.  The FIRE ALARM sounds. 
          General frustration from the workers.  PAT stands up.

                              PAT
                    Great, fire drill!

          WORKERS gather at the door. Fire Marshal GERRY, a
          retired New York firefighter with a mustache, waits for them
          holding a clipboard. The alarm stops.

                              GERRY
                    Scoot closer, bring it in.  Bring
                    it in.  Good morning!  I am your     building's fire
                    marshal.

          Silence.

                              GERRY
                    Enough jokes.  This is a fire
                    drill, I'm here to inform you about
                    proper fire safety procedure in this
                    building.

          Crowd is bored.

                              GERRY
                    I want to commend you on assembling
                    quickly and efficiently.  Great
                    start.  Fires are scared of large
                    groups of people.

          Confused looks from the crowd.

                              GERRY
                    Now when you're evacuating during a
                    fire, the first thing you're gonna
                    want to do is file out quickly in
                    an orderly line.

          Nods from the crowd.

                              GERRY
                    But you need to fight that
                    instinct.  This is fire, people. 
                    You will die if you stay calm. 
                    A.B.S.  Always.  Be.  Sprinting. 
                    Anyone who slows down gets
                    trampled.

          General concern from the crowd.

                              GERRY
                    If you get an opportunity to hop
                    the rail and fall the length of the
                    stairwell, I suggest you take it. 
                    Boom.  Ya just movin' faster.  Fire
                    can't fall.  Advantage, you.

          OWEN raises his hand.

                              GERRY
                    Questions at the end.

          INT. OFFICE - DOOR WAY

          Gerry leans in front of a door while the workers watch.

                              GERRY
                    You're gonna wanna check all doors
                    before opening them.  Hold the back
                    of your hand to the knob.  Hotter
                    it is, safer it is to open.  THe
                    knob is absorbing most of the
                    heat, so that's less fire that can
                    burn you.  And if a piece of your
                    clothing catches on fire, what do
                    you do?

          Gerry points to PAT.

                              PAT
                    Stop, drop, and roll.

                              GERRY
                    Stop, drop, and wait.  Last thing
                    we need is a bunch of people rollin'
                    around on fire.  That's dangerous.

          INT. OFFICE - DESK AREA

          Gerry hops up on a desk.

                              GERRY
                    Leading cause of death during a
                    fire is-

          Gerry points to EMILY. 

                              EMILY
                    Smoke inhalation.

                              GERRY
                    Wrong.  Fire is the leading cause
                    of death.  Smoke cannot kill you,
                    it is a gas.  Fire is way hotter. 
                    Literally as hot as fire.

          INT. OFFICE - KITCHEN

          Gerry addresses everyone.

                              GERRY
                    If you see a fire but do not hear
                    an alarm, do not tell anyone.  It
                    will scare your co-workers.  Go
                    back to your desk and work
                    quietly.  3 out of 10 fires just go
                    out for no reason.  Any questions?

          Owen raises his hand again.

                              GERRY
                    Questions at the end.

          INT. OFFICE - ELEVATOR LOBBY

          Gerry is in front of the elevator buttons.

                              GERRY
                    During a fire, the elevator is-

          Gerry points to JOSH.

                              JOSH
                         (knows he's wrong)
                    A safe place.

                              GERRY
                    Wrong.  (Beat)  The safest place. 
                    21 years on the job I have never
                    seen a fire use an elevator.  Fires
                    can't call elevators; they don't
                    have brains.

          INT. OFFICE - FIRE PHONE AREA

          Gerry shows off the fire warden phone.

                              GERRY
                    This line goes directly to the
                    building fire marshal, that's me. 
                    In the event of a fire, do not use
                    this phone.  This is your fire,
                    don't drag me into this.  I don't
                    like fires.  I'm scared of fires.

          INT. OFFICE - ORIGINAL FIRE DRILL LOCATION

          Gerry is back at the original drill location.

                              GERRY
                    ...and that wraps up our talk for
                    today.  Moving on, I've set several
                    practice fires throughout the
                    office to simulate an actual fire. 
                    Any questions?

          Owen raises his hand.

                              OWEN
                    What's the difference between a
                    practice fire and a real fire?

          Fire bursts through the door and sets Gerry on fire. 
          Everyone screams.

                              GERRY
                         (shouting)
                    Go time, people!  I'm just gonna
                    wait this one out!  Everyone else,
                    trample your way to the elevator!

          He lays down on the ground.  Slam wide to reveal everyone
          else has run away.  Gerry slowly burns on the ground.

                              GERRY
                         (sighs)
                    Really do not like fire.

          END.