From CH Staff on
In space, no one can hear you stream. Troopers is back, with all new episodes for the next three weeks!
By Ben Joseph, Owen Parsons & Patrick Cassels
INT. DREADCRUISER -- CELL BLOCK Larry slurps out the last of an ENORMOUS JUICE BAG. LARRY (breathing hard) Ha! Two minutes! Pay up, Rich. CUT WIDE: Rich, just entering, puts down his lunch box. RICH What? I literally just got here. Where did you get that giant juice bag? LARRY Uh, nowhere. MR. CANKERSCHMIDT (O.S.) Where's my juice bag? LARRY You drank it already, Mr. Cankerscmhidt! Larry takes a FINAL SIP. His stomach RUMBLES. He keels a little. LARRY (grumble; in pain) Oh I have to piss. RICH Well, somebody jettisoned our bathroom into space. LARRY That was partially the bathroom's fault. RICH Try the next floor. LARRY Ugh. That's so far. (gets up; exits) It's like my pelvis is juggling a water balloon. WHIP UP TO: INT. HALLWAY -- LEVEL 502 Larry waddles in. There's a door with Dreadtrooper symbol on it (like a bathroom). Painted next to the door: LEVEL 502. He arrives at the bathroom door, sighs, and opens it. HORRIBLE TENTACLES flop out. There's an alien SCREAM. LARRY Oh God! Larry fights off the tentacles and closes the door. Beat. TENTACLE MONSTER (VO) (regular pleasant voice) Dude! Learn to knock! Larry, scared, turns & sprints off. WHIP UP TO FLOOR 503. LARRY (running in) Ohmygod I'm gonna be a piss geyser. As he says this Larry bumps into the PRINCESS, about to enter the bathroom herself. LARRY Ah! Princess! PRINCESS Are you going in or what? LARRY Me? Bathroom? No, grossamundo! I don't do that. My body just, um, converts waste into muscles. PRINCESS So you're made of piss? Larry's bladder RUMBLES. LARRY Okay, just stay here. I'm gonna run upstairs real quick. Then I'll come escort you back to the prison wing. PRINCESS No. LARRY You promise? PRINCESS No. LARRY You promise? PRINCESS You get how words work, right? LARRY Okay, see you in a sec! Larry exits. WHIP UP TO FLOOR 504. Larry gets in line behind LIZARDMAN. LARRY (O.C.) Why did God curse me with only one bladder? Flush, another TROOPER exits the bathroom. Lizardman starts in; turns to Larry. LIZARDMAN (subtitled gibberish) Uh... This might take a while. I have nineteen assholes. Door closes behind Lizardman. LARRY Ugh! Screw this. Computer! Find me the closest vacant restroom! COMPUTER Searching. Searching. Still Searching. Larry GROANS in pain. COMPUTER Got it. The nearest bathroom is.. That way. LARRY Which way? COMPUTER You know, over there. LARRY You're not pointing at anything! You don't have hands! COMPUTER Sure. Just rub it in. LARRY Agh, I'm too full of juice to deal with this! WHIP UP TO FLOOR 515 Larry runs in. Two TROOPERS are already standing in line. He barrels past them. LARRY Excuse me! Sorry! Juice-mergency! One Dreadtrooper grabs his shoulder, stopping him. DREADTROOPER 1 (female voice) Hey, this is the ladies room! Can't you read? She points to the bathroom symbol. It's just a Dreadtrooper in full armor & mask. DREADTROOPER 1 (O.C.) Pervert! WHIP UP TO FLOOR 522 Larry runs in. The door is locked. He bangs on it. LARRY (so desperate) WHO IS IN THERE? CHASE (O.C.) Larry? It's me, Chase. I'm still duct taped to the toilet. LARRY Ha ha, oh yeah. Larry walks off giggling. CHASE (O.C.) So you guys gonna let me out, or- WHIP UP TO FLOOR 531 Larry runs down a hallway. He's not going to make it. LARRY (O.C.) (panting heavily) I can't wait! Forgive me door! He turns to a random door. He unbuckles and begins urinating against it. He sighs massively, relieved. Door slides open to reveal DREADLORD. Larry is now peeing directly on Dreadlord. Beat of horrified silence. LARRY Uh... how ya doin'? DREADLORD I can't tell. Sort of numb with rage, I guess. Hmm. (looks at his hands.) Interesting. I'll have to go process this. Good day. He exits past Larry, who is still urinating. END. POST-HUH Dreadlord sits at his desk in silence, lost in thought. He gives a sudden jerk, and looks up. He starts to scream in anger, building to a climax. Just before it reaches its climax, we cut abruptly.